It's Not Typical, But
by Osa P
Summary: Duo and Wufei are pornstars. Don't ask. Quatre cusses. Again, don't ask. They all end up finding some type of joy or equally crappy crap in their lives which leads to happy ending and blah blah blah. Just read this if you're interested in something weird.
1. The Life That is Porn

It's Not Typical, But...

Chapter 1- The Life that is Porn

"...and so then we'll have the big fight scene followed by 'make-up sex'. But then our young hero is wooed by hunky man number one during their workout session in 'deserted gym a' and they have 'hot cheating risky sex'. There's another fight, the lovers part, then find each other in a hospital and have' kinky hospital make-up sex'. And then their two friends show up at the hospital and have 'kinky two couple sex' with our main characters. Understand?"

The cast members stared at their director long and hard, a few of them blinking simultaneously.

"So how is this a film again, cuz this just sounds like a porno!" Nods of acknowledgment were the only movements throughout the room.

"It has a plot!", whined the director, attempting the 'pouty look'.

More blinking. "Does a plot include the word sex in every sentence?" Nods of agreement answered the random voice.

The director sighed. "Fine it's just a porno with the guise that it's a well written movie."

"Cool, we get to go fuck!" Almost everyone in the room cheered, sans the two buds standing in the front of the room and off to the side.

Duo looked at Wufei. "Why do they insult my intelligence by pretending NOT to write a porno?"

"Beats me, no pun intended. I figure they just think all porn stars are stupid.", replied the Chinese young man.

"Yeah, we're that rare breed of porn star. The porn star with depth."

"Duo! Asian, get your fuck-pants on and let's go!", the director shouted in their direction before clearing out the room, shouting other orders as he went.

Wufei's eye was twitching at being called the 'Asian' once again instead of his proper name. Sure, Duo almost never called him by his real name, but it least it was something like it. Duo shrugged and sauntered out of the meeting area to go get changed. What did he care that he had to wear barely there outfits and have hot raunchy sex on camera? Not at all. Nope, he didn't care that he gave up his virginity to a really fat guy either. He shivered a bit, but continued on to his self-appointed dressing room. Maybe one day he'd put a star on his door and then he'd feel really special, though he doubted it. If anything the star would just serve to be more of a mockery to the profession he'd fallen into.

He slammed open the door, as usual, and walked inside, slamming the door back. He found his latest outfit hung up on the door handle of his closet.

"Oh joy, another pair of assless pants. Oh and a frilly, cleavage-exposing crop top. Even more joy." He snorted. "Why do I even bother acting like Imma guy? They always give me something girly to wear anyways." He took off the loose t-shirt he was wearing and reached for the barely there shirt he had to wear for the shoot. He changed into the pants next before walking over to his vanity and checking himself out.

Seeing how the black pants formed to his legs just so and how the dark purple shirt framed his rather effeminate shoulders, he sighed. So maybe he did look like a girl, but did that give everyone the right to treat him like one? "Pheh. I should just get out my make-up and keep my mouth shut." He was reaching for his make-up kit when he stopped short and his eyes widened. "Did I just say 'make-up'? Like as in my own personal set of cosmetics?" He looked to the mirror and nodded at himself.

"Christ! I AM a GIRL!"

Hours later, sometime around 8 in the evening, Wufei collapsed onto the chair in the corner of his and Duo's temporary residence. It wasn't a residence as much as a mid-rate hotel room with the standard two chairs, two beds, two tables, etc. He sighed to himself, his hand coming up to rub at his temples. Another unfulfilling day of being called 'Asian' and dry humping set props tended to give a person a headache.

At that moment Duo walked in and shut the door behind him. Wufei focused on him for a moment, watching him slouch about the room before deciding to collapse on his bed. Dry humping props was better than actually humping some guy for little to no reason at all.

He rolled off of the chair landing in a crouch before stretching upwards, arms out from his body, and cracking what joints he could in the one smooth motion. He then padded over to where his friend lay, looking totally and completely out of it. He raised his arm and bended it so that his elbow formed a sharp point and quickly brought it down right into the center of his best buddy's back.

"Holy fuck! Wufei, that hurts!", Duo exclaimed already rubbing at his poor abused back.

"There's nothing holy about fuck and you know it", Wufei countered, grinning.

"I still don't see why you find that so funny", Duo grumbled as he sat up on the bed.

Wufei plopped down next to him. "Hey, that look on your face is priceless, even now. Not to discredit the wondrous new cusswords you seem to come up with during this ordeal." He was still smirking.

"Yeah, yeah. What the hell ever." Duo stretched out, flinging his arms out and falling back from their momentum. "So, you up for food and a drinky?", he asked with his eyes closed.

"If that's your way of asking if I had a shitty day...", Wufei started, a warning in his speech, "Then hell yes." He smirked slightly. "Just let me fetch you the pain killer and some migraine pills for myself, then we'll jet."

Duo mumbled something that sounded like an affirmative and yawned. It wasn't so much that either of the young men wanted to go out, it was more that they wanted to take advantage of every opportunity they had to be somewhat normal. Just going to some out of the way restaurant was better than staying cooped up in some hotel waiting for something to come about. And spending a short night out usually did wonders for sleep. Wouldn't want to be sleepy on the job, no matter what job it was, and exhausting their bodies seemed to be the only way for them to achieve a restful night of sleep.

Wufei, who had gone into the bathroom for the much-needed meds, returned and flung the bottle of Tylenol at Duo. "Aww c'mon Wu-man. Tylenol again?" Duo pouted.

"Yes, Tylenol, my analgesic-addicted friend. Too much Advil will burn a hole in your stomach and we both know it." Duo pouted more. "I am not going to be held responsible for your death just because you wanted stronger pain pills." Duo, as impossible as it was, pouted more. Wufei was steadfastly ignoring him as he dug around in the closet for something to wear.

"Pleeeeeeeasse Wu? I promise I won't haunt you if I do die!", he whined.

Wufei sputtered. "What! -you! -I! haunt me! Little bastard, just take your damned meds!" Duo was laughing hysterically on his bed, terribly amused at how his friend looked when indignant. Wufei growled before throwing a shirt, hanger still inside, at the man, effectively stopping the laughter.

"... I think you stabbed my eye..."

"Will that be all for you sir?", the waiter looked to Wufei, who nodded. "And for you miss?" He turned to Duo.

Duo resisted the urge to gouge the man's eyes out and settled on a pleasant, if not forced smile. "I'd like the large cheesy mess that the dude over there is having, the closest thing to a keg you have, and the assurance that you won't call me a fucking girl again if you value your job and your life." He was grinning evilly now, reveling in the embarrassed and rather frightened look the waiter bore. "Thanks butch!", he said in a high falsetto before slapping the man on the butt and sending him on his way.

As soon as the man was out of sight Wufei chuckled. "You do so love traumatizing today's youth don't you?"

Duo grimaced and replied, "Youth? I am today's youth. And I didn't traumatize myself."

"True. You were born jacked up." Duo shot him a glare as he began laughing at his friend's expense. "Hey, I'm jacked-up too. No pun intended." He paused running his last sentence through his brain. "See? I can't say certain things without having to say 'no pun intended' after it." He grinned. "Thank you porn industry!", he said rather quietly, with a mock salute.

Wufei's antics did manage to cheer Duo up a bit, but his mind still lingered. It never failed to bother him that he not only looked like a tiny-breasted female but that he was also in a less than professional profession. He stared off into space, a hooker-ish looking blonde catching his attention across the way. 'Awww... tiny hooker boy. How cute and unassuming. He probably doesn't even realize that real hooker's hate their work. Little bastard.' Unfortunately for him, he'd looked a moment too long and he'd caught the 'boy's' attention. 'Dammit. He's getting up. Don't wanna talk, don't wanna talk, don't wanna talk.'

The boy came over to their table, standing next to Wufei with a smile on his face, seemingly oblivious to his state of un-dress. 'Don't talk to him Wu, don't talk to him, don't talk to him, I'll hafta talk to him, don't talk to him...'

"Hi. Who're you?", Wufei asked casually.

"Damn you Asians and your love for blondes! Damn it all!", Duo screamed attracting quite a bit of attention.

His Asian friend and the blonde blinked at him awkwardly. They were all silent for a bit before the blonde started laughing. Wufei soon started laughing after him. Duo stared at them both, incredulous.

The blonde gave Duo a brilliant smile. "I knew you'd be funny. I could tell from across the room. My name's Quatre by the way." The boy was all smiles.

"Hi Quatre, I'm Wufei." He held out his hand to the blonde. "And my spastic friend over there is Duo." Quatre shook his hand and then returned his attention to Duo who was sitting there...well spazzing.

"Um.. Wufei, is he okay?", Quatre inquired a little worried.

"Oh, he'll snap out of it in a minute." Wufei responded taking into account the glazed look in his friend's eyes. "I'd move if I were you."

"What-?" Duo sprung from his seat and tackled the blonde to the ground.

"Awww you're so cute! You don't look a day over 15!", Duo gushed, hugging Quatre close. "Are you albino cuz if you are it makes you even cuter!" Quatre was now bright red and sputtering trying to protest Duo's claims.

Wufei calmly sipped his water.

A little less than two hours later, Wufei, Duo, AND Quatre were on their way to a broody nightclub a few blocks away from the restaurant. The blonde had proved to be great company and, after Duo had released him, the two porn stars were just as great to him. They'd spent dinner chatting it up about whatever and generally enjoying themselves. Each of them had revealed an odd quirk Wufei's being the 'no pun intended' thing and Duo's his ability to overanalyze really dumb things. Quatre's had been much more of a surprise, however, and didn't fail to reveal itself throughout the evening.

"So," Duo began, "if I asked you how I felt about cheesecake could you tell me?"

Quatre laughed. He did that quite a bit as well. "No, Duo, I couldn't. But I could take a guess."

"Then how exactly does all of this psychic stuff work?", Wufei inquired.

"Well, it only seems to work if people are thinking about something. I can kinda tell how they feel at that moment and then I form conclusions about how they feel about whatever they're thinking of and sometimes what they're thinking of. I guess you could say that it's a big guessing game."

Duo nodded as if he really understood and Wufei smacked his head for that. "Hey! I really do kinda get it." Wufei stopped walking and gave him 'the look'. "Ok, so it just proves my theory that all psychics are just really good guessers with Jamaican accents!" The Asian snorted and caught up to his friends.

"That's alright", Quatre amended. "I can try and show you what I mean." He thought hard for a moment. "Ok! Here's an easy topic. Think about your jobs and I should be able to tell how you feel about them and take a stab at what you do for a living."

Wufei and Duo shared a look but began to think about their 'jobs' anyway. The boy was just guessing after all. What's the worst that could happen.

"Wow, you guys really hate your jobs." The two porn stars were caught off guard, but quickly shook it off. It was a lucky guess at the most. "Wufei has a distaste for inanimate objects in sensitive places." Wufei went as pale as he could for an Asian. "That doesn't make much sense but I'm sure I'll figure it out in a minute." He paused for a good long while to the point that the two weirded out friends almost thought he was finished.

"Duo, I have a strong feeling that you hate your job more and that it's a somewhat envied profession. You really don't like the idea that people would want to follow in your footsteps and you're not a big fan of attention caused by your work." Duo's eyes grew impossibly wide as he beheld his friend of this evening. That couldn't be a total guess. "Seems as though you both fell into similar work and under the same circumstances. Hmmm I wonder..." Quatre was obliviously thinking on the matter. Behind him, the braided and pony tailed young men were staring at each other only the way friends do when something really freaky has happened.

Duo walked up till he was next to the blonde. "Wait a minute. Was all of that just from our thoughts or feelings or whatever?"

Quatre 'hmmmed'. "Well.. yeah!" He beamed at him.

Duo's eye twitched. "What the hell...?"

"Oh please don't run off like everyone else!", Quatre pleaded. "Usually when I tell people about my 'talent' they get a little uncomfortable and call me a freak and stuff. That's really why I'm alone right now except for you two." He looked down at the ground a pout firmly in place.

Duo sighed but then slung an arm around the depressed youth's shoulders. "Look, we're both just a little weirded out. You kinda hit close to home which could explain why people usually don't stick around long." Quatre nodded solemnly in agreement. "However, me and Wufferkins both have our awkward little quirks and shady past too, so it ain't a big deal to hang out with a psychic." Quatre started grinning with delight, his eyes shining brightly like a little kids. Duo, of course, couldn't resist and glomped the boy for the second time that evening going on and on about how cute he was.

Glompings and awkward conversations aside, the trio finally arrived at the club. They weren't exactly dressed for the club's atmosphere, sans Quatre who was wearing the hooker 'clothes', but it didn't seem to matter for they were hot. Hot people can go just about anywhere without a fuss. Except places for ugly people. Customarily the fic would be reaching it's climax about now and Wufei'd meet up with his love and same thing with Duo and Quatre would probably be rescued from being overly drunk by Trowa or something. However, that would really blow and isn't the point of the fic. Hell it won't be the point in any part of this piece of crap. So I end this chapter, quite solemnly and appropriately, with the scene right before they enter the club.

"So Q, mind explaining why you're dressed almost exactly like that hooker we saw a few streets back?" Duo asked while they were waiting in line.

"Oh. I kind of lost a bet." He shrugged. "I'd usually wear something a little nicer or at least covering more skin if I was going to get shit-faced in the back of some broody night club."

Wufei and Duo stared at him, shocked again. "Wait a sec, you cuss!", came the surprised cry from them both.

"Hell yeah I do! I'm hanging out with freaking porn stars! Why does letting a vulgarity fly every once in a while freak you out?"

It would have been a rather optimal time to faint had either of them been lesser men. Or if God had decided at that moment to make Duo feel even more like a girl. God has a wonky sense of humor.

end ch. 1

yeah, i kno. wtf? i don't know either, but i found the first few paragraphs just floating around on my computer the other day and decided to let it unfurl. i don't exactly remember why i started this to begin with, but i am almost positive that it had something to do with dizziness and reading too many of Dead Blush's fanfics in one sitting. that or i was reading some equally as brilliant author's works and their dry, sarcastic, and somewhat gross humor led me to this. pheh. who really knos? who really knos if u'll review or not? only God really. He punishes those who don't even leave a flame.

i'm going to hell... i kno it... 


	2. Nice To Meet You Biznatch

It's Not Typical, But...

Chapter 2-Nice To Meet You Biznatch

Duo and Wufei were gawking at their blonde friend, utterly and completely stunned if not a little embarrassed. Quatre just looked back at them with a look on his face that was very close to that of a bitchy teenager. He rolled his eyes at the two.

"Honestly, you'd think when I said I could guess stuff about your lives you'd believe me! Jeez!" He annoyedly put both hands on his hips and turned away from them.

Duo and Wufei turned to look at each other, still shocked and not really able to get over the fact. One would think that they'd have moved on by now, but considering that Quatre had outed them in front of at least 5 different people didn't help matters. Duo broke the gaze first to shift his eyes around the crowd. People were staring at them of both sexes though it was mostly the males scratching their head and really pondering.

Duo laughed nervously. "The things people will say to get attention..." He laughed again. "Me? A porn star? Oh ho ho! Not in this lifetime!" He closed his eyes in apparent good humor.

Wufei looked at his best friend and, deadpanned, said 'bitch' in Chinese. He brushed past the braided man to hooker-dressed boy standing at the front of the line. Duo watched him go past and blinked several times. Never failed to confuse him how many phrases there were for best friend in Chinese. It wasn't that he was dumb exactly, more like misinformed. If one had a Chinese friend and knew little about their language, one could assume that said Chinese friend would know a thing or two about it. However, if Chinese friend says everything as though it were a grand compliment when speaking in their native tongue, it becomes nearly impossible to differentiate between 'eating tofu' and 'I'm molesting you'. (1)

The people in line behind Duo were staring at him openly. Duo began to feel uncomfortable and fidgety under their blatant scrutiny. 'Why in the hell won't they stop staring?' He reached behind him to grab at his braid. He fiddled with the tip for a bit, which only served to make his audience stare more it seemed.

After what seemed like an eternity for both parties, finally someone spoke up. "Hey hot-pants, the line's movin!" Duo turned bright red partially from embarrassment and from being flirted with so openly. He turned and half-jogged to catch up to his friends who were on their way inside. He wasn't used to people ogling him in public. On video, yes. On the set, sure. But having a stranger throw a lewd comment in his direction took him for a loop every time. His head spun again as the bouncer at the door slapped his butt. He stumbled inside bumping into Wufei.

The Chinese young man snickered. "Someone hit on you again?" Duo blinked up at him grasping at his friend to regain his balance, before failing miserably and falling to the ground. "I'll take that as a yes." He laughed lightly before hauling his buddy to his feet.

"Does it really bother him that badly?", Quatre inquired, eyes wide with fascination.

"I dunno. You tell me psychic boy.", Wufei retorted.

The blonde flushed slightly. "Point taken. I'm guessing it does because he still looks rather dazed." Quatre poked at the braided man a few times who still seemed to be not quite there. "Is he gonna be ok?"

"Sure. He'll wake up after he gets a drink in 'im." He noticed Quatre was still poking Duo as if he were a dead cat in the street. "I'd be careful doing that unless you'd like to be 'glomped' again."

Quatre immediately backed away suggesting that they move over to the bar. The author assumes that this moody sorry excuse for a club would have a bar and at least one dance area seeing as how she has never been to an actual club being far too young and without money or transportation. The author, being the supreme master of this "fic", has decided that the bar should be a large square affair in the center of the bottom level dance floor. There is another floor located above the first with a set of two flights of stairs in opposite corners of the room. There will be little areas that fan off from the staircases leading farther away from the dance area that the author has no purpose for at this time but has included them for a sense of asymmetry and general creativity. Above the second dance floor is the roof where another, smaller, bar is located along with another DJ and a whole set of people. The author does not consider this place to be anywhere near magnificent or really sufficient as a realistic club, but it'll suit her purposes just fine.

The trio had maneuvered their way to the bar and had all placed orders for some drink or another. Duo blinked as a fancy looking glass was placed in front of him. He instinctively grabbed the stem of the glass and began sucking on the pink straw poking out of the awkward colored liquid. After taking a rather large gulp he blanched. "Honestly Wu-man, you know I hate sugar." His friend shrugged as he slurped on his own identical drink.

"I asked you what you wanted and you didn't say anything. I assumed that any drink would do."

Duo sighed. "I did the thing again didn't I?"

"Yep." Slurp.

He turned his back to the counter and leaned up against it. He ran a hand through his bangs. "This is one of the reasons why I hate my life. Can't even take a compliment without spazzing out." He turned his head to the right about to say something more, when he noticed Quatre's actions.

The innocent looking blonde was in the process of downing 4 shots of vodka in a row. Duo's eyes widened slightly as the young man finished without even a grunt.

"Well. That was quite refreshing. You guys want to go dance now?" Duo nodded, a smirk on his face. Wufei said that he wanted to finish his drink but told the other two to go on without him.

Duo and Quatre made their way to the floor swaying with the music and artfully dodging around clumps of people before situating themselves in an area quite close to the speakers. Wufei watched them from his stool impressed with Quatre's moves although he seemed to be a bit stiff. "Guess he can't break away totally from his proper demeanor." He continued to down his drink and turned back to face the bar. He'd fallen into his own little world with sugarcoated alcohol in front of him and pounding broody music surrounding him. He didn't notice when a shorthaired Asian girl came and sat down next to him.

He was completely oblivious when she ordered the same drink as him and downed it in a matter of minutes. He failed to notice still when she turned to him and set her dark slanted eyes on him. He did, however, notice when she backslapped him across his right cheek.

"What the fuck was that for?", he asked indignant.

"Do you ever fucking pay attention?", she asked in return.

"You didn't answer my question, dear girl. Why did you hit me?"

She glared and hit him across his other cheek. "That's why I hit you, dear _bitch_."

Wufei glared at her, now rubbing both cheeks, which were tinted, red from abuse. She took a deep breath and closed her eyes. When she reopened them she looked much calmer and had a gentle smile on her face. She reached into the pocket of her black pants and pulled out a kerchief. She hailed the bartender for a glass of ice water. A minute later she was soaking the fabric in the glass.

Wufei was surprised when his abuser applied the cold cloth to his cheeks. The hands that had moments ago bruised him were now incredibly gentle. "What are yo-"

"Sorry about that," she interrupted him. "That tends to happen when I haven't taken my medicine on time." She smiled at him as she continued to rub his cheeks softly.

Wufei pulled away from her slightly. "What exactly do you mean by 'medicine'?"

She faltered and pulled her cloth back to her. "Eh, I kind of have to take medicine to keep me from beating unsuspecting people." She looked down at her lap and laughed. "I'm kinda like a 8 year old, slapping people that interest me."

Wufei blushed slightly at her comment. "That's no big deal really," he began, "I've got my own share of oddities after all. Besides, maybe I have the maturity of an 8 year old." She looked up at that and grinned at him. She looked really cute to say the least. Wufei extended his hand in greeting. "The name's Chang Wufei."

She took his hand just as gently as when she'd been tending to him before and replied, "Zhang Meiran."

The Chinese man was pleasantly surprised at the placement of her last name before her first. "You're Chinese too?"

Her eyes narrowed slightly. "No shit chink-boy."

Wufei twitched at that, but otherwise ignored it. He figured she'd return to her senses in a moment. If not, he'd just have to deal with the consequences.

Over on the dance floor Duo and Quatre were still busting a move or two and greatly impressing those around them. They danced with each other, strangers around them, by themselves, or wherever. As long as their hips were still moving to the beat it didn't seem to matter what was going on around them.

Quatre was really getting into a song that the DJ had just mixed in when a pair of hands came up and settled on his hips. He opened his eyes at the contact and turned to look up at who was behind him.

Duo noticed the brief exchanged between the two and assumed that they either knew each other or the taller man behind the blonde was very brave. Or maybe very stupid. Or a serial rapist. He was steadily getting off topic in his mind as the two hugged in front of him.

Quatre squealed quite adorably and was hugging the taller man tightly. "There you are you jerk!"

The man smiled down at him, returning the embrace. "Sorry I'm late."

"I wore this for you, yanno so the least you can do is show up on time," he scolded, but grinned nonetheless. Quatre started and turned to Duo who was still pondering the different attributes of this new person who had emerged from the crowd.

Quatre smiled apologetically at his friend then went to tap the braided man on the shoulder. "Duo."

"What!", he jumped. "Oh. Right."

Quatre snickered. "Duo, this," he gestured to the tall individual behind him, "is my very very good friend Trowa."

Duo stared up at the man named Trowa and took in his thin features. He seemed to be the exact definition of lanky. All long skinny lines. The only thing that stuck out about him was the way majority of his hair was flung over one eye and the stark contrast between his eyes and his hair color. Otherwise he was just your average stick of a man.

Trowa smiled at him and reached out a hand to ruffle his hair. "You wear your hair like my sister used to." Duo blinked and waited for more of an explanation, but none came. It seemed as though the man's simple phrase explained everything and any more information would ruin it. Eventually Duo just shrugged it off. Odd how he could spend hours wondering why an apparently strange man would place his hands on his friends hips, but could totally ignore a rather strange comparison between him and said strange man's sister. Quirky? Why, yes he is.

Duo, being the friendly guy he was invited the two good friends for a drink up at the bar. He was walking backwards taking in the way the two interacted with each other. The taller one didn't seem to be much of a talker or much of an anything really, but whenever Quatre did something cute or made some over-zealous gesture he seemed to loosen up. His blonde friend, on the other hand, seemed to calm down and become more excited at the same time. His bright blue eyes danced with pent up happiness and every move he made was filled with deep emotion. Duo smiled at the two. He was no expert, but he was almost positive that they were much more than they were letting on. He'd be positive if only fools weren't positive.

'I wonder if they know just how cute they're acting together? Honestly never seen two people so overjoyed to walk a few yards together. I bet they-' His thoughts were cut short as he ran smack into another person. He shrieked when the person swept his feet from under him and caught him by the hem of his pants. Duo was hanging in mid air, bent in half, eyes wide, and braid brushing against the floor.

"Oh. Sorry, mister," a deep, kind of nasally voice spoke. Duo tried to turn his head to match the face with the voice but failed. He gasped as he was flipped upwards and landed in the man's arms, in bridal position. He stared up at the man who had him and was shocked to find a pair of piercing blue eyes staring back at him.

"You could be mistaken for a flat-chested girl. Hn." With that the man put him down on the ground, turned and disappeared into the crowd. Duo was left staring dazedly after him.

"Oh my gosh, Duo, are you okay!", Quatre asked, voice full of concern. Duo continued to stare. "Do you want me to go beat that prick up for you?"

The braided man turned very slowly to his two companions. He spoke slowly. "I'm not sure whether to be flattered, pissy, or both."

Quatre and Trowa blinked at him, but shrugged. After all, stick-boy didn't know Duo very well at all and blondie had only spoken to him for a few hours that evening. That wasn't nearly enough time to fully understand a person.

The trio resumed their walk to the bar and were all ordering drinks with Quatre once again picking vodka, Trowa some rather plain drink, and Duo vodka as well. As they waited on the bar tender, Duo looked around for Wufei. It wasn't long before he spotted his friend engaged in an arm wrestling match with either a very butch girl or a terribly pretty man. He laughed out loud as his buddy was defeated. He laughed again as the girl backslapped him. Something about Wufei getting beat up by a girl was funny and he couldn't understand why.

He grabbed his drink when the bar tender set it down and headed over to his friend. Quatre and Trowa followed, introductions still needing to be made. Duo paused when the girl who'd just hit his friend was caressing his bruise.

"Oi, Wuffers." Wufei whipped around blushing slightly.

"Um, yes?"

"Whose the chick?"

She smiled cutely at Duo and introduced herself. He too introduced himself and they shared a friendly handshake.

"Well, Mr. Maxwell I have the strongest urge to beat your face in. I can tell that we'll be very good friends." She smiled widely.

Duo twitched. More because he was called Mr. Maxwell than because she mentioned 'violence' and 'friends' as though there were an appropriate connection between the two. "Just call me Duo please."

"Ok Duo." She beamed. "Who're your other two friends?"

"Oh. Right. This is Quatre," he gestured with is glass, "and this is his friend-thing Trowa." Quatre bounced up to her and shook her hand while Trowa remained where he was merely lifting a hand in greeting. The blonde immediately engaged the Chinese girl in conversation leaving his 'friend' to watch and Duo and Wufei to themselves.

"So, Wuffers, what's with the violence thing?"

"She's got this condition that cause her to be uber violent. Rather scary."

"I'd say." He paused. "She's really cute though."

"Yeah. She can beat me with a smile on her face. No pun intended."

"Have you introduced her to that interesting little quirk yet?", Duo asked snickering.

Wufei sighed. "No, not yet my dear jerk-off, but I'm sure I'll get to it." Duo kept on snickering. Wufei just ignored him. "And I take it you haven't met anyone besides Trowa here, am I right?" He nudged his friend.

Duo raised his index finger as if to make a point in the air. "Actually, I met a rather interesting fellow who decided that picking me up and then commenting on my girl-ish appearance was a nice way to introduce himself."

The Asian man smirked. "Sounds like we've both met someone special."

"You could say that."

* * *

(1) in Chinese there is a phrase where the direct translation is "I'm eating your tofu" which is slang for "I'm molesting you." just a little cultural tidbit for you. 

ok, that was delightful. i have no clue where this is going btw. originally i'd planned on Duo meeting Heero and having their little adventure and having Quatre and Trowa meet for the first time as well. Wufei was supposed to meet a boy not Meiran, but we see how that went. this is kind of surpassing my expectations tho. i thot this would end up being like my 'Wet' series only for GW. ah well. go review or flame please. i could use a flame kids. it's been too long.


	3. Date Rape Drugs and Anthrax Notes

It's Not Typical, But...

Chapter 3- Date Rape Drugs and Anthrax Notes

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And so the night dragged on and everyone, sans Duo had been dragged to the dance floor. Meiran had demanded rather physically that she and Wufei grind a hip or two and Trowa and Quatre were more than inclined to follow the two. This left poor, spastic Duo all to himself. Not that he minded much. I mean who wanted to go out and spend a nice evening with friends dancing the night away?

He sighed miserably into his glass of ice water. Not only was he alone at the moment, but some deep moralist part of him was not allowing him to get shit-faced. Why did life have to be so cruel? More importantly why did he have to be so adverse to close contact with anyone but Wufei?

'Ah, I know the answer to that one. Porn kills relationships.' He nodded drunkenly to himself despite the lack of alcohol. Loneliness was proving to be nature's vodka. He sighed into his icy beverage again focusing on one particular ice cube that seemed to have more character then all the rest.

He sighed again as a pair of legs encased in a tight pair of jeans walked up to the bar next to him. He sighed still as said legs stood there as their torso leaned up against the bar. He sighed quite explosively as a voice attached to said body parts ordered a drink. He looked up from his water only to behold the weird guy from earlier.

"Oh honestly…" He cut his eyes away.

"Honestly what?", a deep and rather nasally voice asked.

Duo jumped up and let out a surprised yelp. He found his himself whipping around to where the voice came from. He looked pained when he discovered that it had come from his mystery man.

The man was smirking down at him, his blue eyes cold and only tinged with a hint of amusement. They kind of left Duo dumbstruck. He wasn't particularly used to that feeling but he'd found in the few times he'd experienced it that he appeared very stupid until he returned to his senses. How unfortunate that it was one of those times.

His inability to focus on normal thoughts allowed him to concentrate on the man's appearance- or rather more than just his eyes and his mouth. He had a good deal of Asiatic features such as slanted eyes and olive skin(or what he could guess to be olive in the altered lighting), but the eyes couldn't possibly be Asian. His hair looked like it hadn't seen a comb since the day he was born, but it wasn't a bad thing in his case. He was wearing a sleeveless deep green shirt that didn't cling to him too tightly but was still able to show off a slender, but hot frame.

"Hey, you didn't answer my question." His thick eyebrows were now scrunched up in bemusement at the man in front of him.

'Man in front of him… Um, who could that lucky person be?' Duo blinked. He blinked again. Crap. And thus he'd been made to look like an idiot again all because of some eyes. 'Nice eyes. Ah jeez, focus Maxwell!'

"Uh…could you repeat that?"

The blue eyed man blinked. "I asked you what you were saying 'honestly' about."

He'd said that? Crap. "Uh, at risk of sounding air headed, I don't remember even saying that."

Instead of a snide look that would have plainly said 'you idiot' he was met with another slightly amused smirk. "Well you don't sound so much air headed as you do distracted. Would you be willing to discuss it?"

Duo blinked in surprise. Just where was this conversation going? "Discuss what?"

The man took the stool next to him as the bartender handed him his drink. "Discuss what it is that is bothering you."

"Uh…" 'Okay, warning lights should be going off right about now. A random stranger is asking about me for seemingly no reason except for date rape. He has to be a closet rapist or something to take that much interest in me. Well, interest beyond the physical. Unless this is just a nifty pick-up line that he uses on all the pretty ones. Pull out Duo! Pull out!'

"It's not so much one thing that bothers me, but I could probably connect all of my problems to one source." 'Fuck!'

Blue eyes sipped at his drink. "So then tell me about the source. And talk a lot. I don't like to speak much."

'Hey, idiot! That's another warning sign! I don't like to talk but I like to rape! Yeah, what about rape!' Amazingly Duo was still ignoring his spastic inner voice and was still speaking to his new acquaintance. "Well, it's my job really. I think I can honestly say that I hate it out right. I mean it's not just what I do that bothers me, it's the people that I work with. Just because I've got a pretty face and long hair doesn't mean that I'm a female! I don't want to deal with work related discrimination yanno?"

The man nodded. "I think I understand."

"Good," Duo said grinning at him now. 'Oh great. Why don't you just dangle your titties all over him next. And then while you're tonguing his ear he can slip some drugs into your water…'

Despite how adamant his inner voice had become, Duo continued to speak with the man, maybe even as though he'd known him for a while. He wasn't to quick to think that there was a deep connection between them because he'd played enough roles in which there was a connection such as that and he wasn't too thrilled with what came from such things.

'Definitely no butt sex on the first date. Wait, is this a date?' These thoughts, along with others, were running through his head about an hour later. The young porn star had found that he was really enjoying himself with someone besides Wufei. Not that Quatre wasn't an interesting one to be around, it was just different with this mystery man in front of him. 'Speaking of mystery, just what the fuck is his name?'

"Hey, I've spilled enough of my guts on you. You wanna spill some of yours?"

The man 'hmmed'. "No."

Duo blinked back surprise. No?

"I've already said I don't like talking very much." He'd finished his drink over a half an hour ago and had taken to making origami cranes with nearby napkins. Without looking down at his hands of course. Some people are just amazing like that.

"Well," Duo began, a little chagrined, "Can I at least have your name?"

The man looked thoughtful for half a second before answering. "No, I don't think you can have it. I've become attached to it over the last 19 years." With that, he stood up and dumped the handful of cranes he'd made into Duo's lap. In the time Duo spent trying to keep the folded paper in his lap, his mystery man had disappeared.

'Ah dammit. The first time I haven't had an issue with a guy in years and he takes off like that.' He sat there on his stool visibly pouting. 'Wait a fucking minute! Guys are worthless! Girls are worthless! I don't have interest in either of them- oh hell that sounds weak even to me. Dammit.' His face returned to his now empty glass and he sighed.

----------

The night ended spectacularly for all in the sense that it didn't. Trowa and Quatre had decided long ago that the evening would end nicely seeing as how they were dating. Wufei and Meiran's evening didn't end on a good note meaning that it did in some sick twisted way. And Duo. Our dear, dear Duo. He'd classify the evening as a failure only alleviated by the fact that he would see these people again.

Before parting ways, they'd all exchanged cell phone numbers and whatnot so as to meet at a later date. Otherwise, the evening blew. It blew like a cheap hooker.

"Man, Wuffers, this night blew just about as well as you do," Duo exclaimed as he flopped back against his temporary bed.

Wufei half-glared at him. "Somehow I understand what you said and yet I'm still insulted that you chose to use me in that fucked up metaphor of yours." He too went to his bed and began taking of his clothes, starting with his shoes.

"Ah c'mon Wu! You couldn't very well expect me to use a cheap hooker as my example! Cuz considering that she's cheap she probably isn't very good."

Wufei threw one of his shoes in Duo's direction. "I find it interesting that you chose an inverse relationship, it being the better the blow the worse the suckiness of your evening."

"Oi, don't get all mathy on me!" He rubbed at the top of his head where his friend's shoe had hit. "You know I didn't go to high school!"

In response the other shoe was thrown. "And you know that I didn't attend that institution either, but I still have enough sense to not be such a jack-ass."

Duo grimaced but kept speaking. "Aww, is that your way of saying you love me Wu-wu?"

Wufei snorted, though it sounded more like a chuckle, and wandered into the bathroom. "Get some sleep Maxwell," he called from the lavatory.

Duo flopped out dramatically. "Work. So that's what you call lying on your back and groaning for 3 hours?" A muffled snicker answered him. "Alright, alright. Bed time. I got it." Duo stripped out of his clubbing clothes and tossed them to the floor. He pulled back the covers on his bed but hesitated to climb in.

When his Chinese friend emerged from the bathroom Duo was still perched on the edge of the bed, seeming reluctant.

"What is it now, you idiot?"

The braided man looked up at his friend and shuddered. "Semen sheets."

Wufei's eyes widened as though he too now realized what they were up against. "Not the dreaded semen sheets!", he cried only half in mock-fear. True one shouldn't get so worked up over a set of sheets unless the one were obsessive compulsive, but to be honest anyone else's semen anywhere was just gross.

"Wufei," Duo whined. "I don't wanna touch them!" His voice had taken on an annoying sing-song lilt.

"So what do you suppose I do about this?"

Duo was suddenly at Wufei's side clutching onto his arm. He whispered, "Perform ancient Chinese magic?" The Chinese boy shoved him off, got into bed and turned off the light.

"Goodnight idiot."

Duo pouted in the dark, but climbed into bed nevertheless. "Goodnight Fei."

---------

The next morning revealed to very tired porn stars amongst the rest of the 'cast' for the latest film. Much like the day before, the director was going over the scenes to be shot for the day, his explanation involving the word sex every couple of words. And like the day before the rest of the cast seemed to not care too much that it did. And of course our two heroes were less than thrilled.

As the cast and crew broke up to prepare themselves, no pun intended, for another day of shooting, also no pun intended, the two good buddies remained where they were so as to discuss the fall-outs of the already rickety plot.

"Okay how can two people honestly have sex on one of those window cleaner things?", Duo questioned while fiddling with his braid.

"It should be physically impossible, meaning that nothing in the world could allow for that. Unless they were a couple of borrowers going at it." Wufei snickered.

"Ah come on, that's just wrong!"

"Well how do you think little borrowers are made?" He snickered more at Duo's reaction.

"It's just- ah! So gross! Thanks for ruining my childhood memories Fei!"

"No problem sweetheart!" He burst out laughing as he headed for his dressing area.

Duo grumbled all the way into his own dressing room and still continued even after the door had closed. He continued to grumble all the way over to his closet and grumbled still as he put on his 'outfit' for the day. He even grumbled as he sat at his vanity to apply his whore make-up. In fact he didn't stop grumbling until he noticed a rather plain looking envelope taped to his mirror.

'The fuck?' He reached out and snatched the envelope from the mirror and set to inspecting it. There was nothing on the outside of the package, except his name. 'Hmm, this is really effing suspicious. Like, unsigned letters sent to the Pentagon suspicious. Oh Christ, this has anthrax in it doesn't it?' He held the thin package up to the light so as to see through it. Well, if there's white powder in here shouldn't I be able to see it this way?

He shook it from side to side, his head tilted up towards the light trying to see what was inside without having to open it. 'Crap, all I can tell is that there's paper inside.' He sighed. 'I am so gonna die in a sec. I hope Wufei knows hat he can have all of my hair ties.'

He finally gave in and slipped a finger underneath a slightly raised edge of the flap and drew it across the entire envelope. He reached a hand inside and dug out the paper he'd spotted through is CSI skills earlier.

'Notebook paper? Who sends a note on notebook paper unless their in the 7th grade? Or my boss… crap, what does he want?' He unfolded the page and was surprised to find that the handwriting was not that of his sleazy employer but that of a much neater and probably way more refined individual. He read quickly over what was written.

'The hell? _I wish to see you again my dear lily-boy_? The fuck does that mean? Oh, and they left an address. Great.' He sighed exasperatedly. 'I am so not going to go meet this jack-ass. No way in hell. Nope, not gonna. Maybe.'

He took a quick look around his surroundings. 'Probably.' He looked down at what he was wearing for the day. 'Definitely.'

He folded the paper back up and shoved it into the envelope. 'Well mystery person, looks like I'm just damned desperate enough to give my life away to a stranger. Lucky you.'

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The fuck? i kno... just... yes, review and leave me alone... and thanx to Clingy, dk-joy, Mayaku-chan, and tre-chan for even bothering to read this shit...


	4. Definitely Not Pretty Woman

Disclaimer: I own shit. Shut the fuck up and die.

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It's Not Typical, But…

Chapter 4- Definitely Not Pretty Woman

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Duo stared at himself in the slightly smudged bathroom mirror. It'd be nice to say that it was just extra steamy and the cleaning staff didn't use Windex, but in all honesty it was just smudged. Creepy as that seemed he still continued to gaze at his reflection in the not so shiny surface. His hair was beyond damp giving him the appearance of a large eyed drowned rat. His skin was tinged bright red making him look adorably flushed.

He scrunched up his nose at his reflection. "Why in the hell do I have to look so gay?" Silence emanated through both his mind and the bathroom. His reflection raised an eyebrow at him. "Right, right, dumb question, but still." The reflection responded with another incredulous look. "Yeah, yeah, shut up you."

Duo slid open the shower curtain and started up the water, turning it to hot. He sighed to himself rubbing at his already moist forearm. 'Another shower should do it without making me late...'

Yes, it was true. He was taking another shower in a rather long series of them and had taken a good chunk of the afternoon. He'd been sure to scrub from head to toe, including washing his hair, every time. To say that he smelt fresh as a daisy was an understatement. Daisy's had nothing on him! However, freshness is often in the nose of the beholder and Duo, being the beholder, felt less than pleased with his scent. Or maybe it was all in his head. Considering who it is, it's hard to tell.

Duo lathered up his shapeless puffy blue loofa and began to scrub for what seemed to be the umpteenth time today. 'Ah jeez, I smell like cheap porn.' He scrubbed at himself harder hoping to eradicate all bits of porny residue. 'It's not very becoming or whatever to come to a meeting smelling like lube and ass.' He snorted. 'Unless you're a cheap porn star... Hmm maybe I shouldn't have taken that fifth shower...'

Another 15 minutes and he finally deemed himself fit to return to staring at himself in the mirror. He lifted up a clump of his hair to his nose and inhaled deeply. "Mmm," he mumbled, "Smells like strawberries..."

'Strawberry flavored lube!' He slapped himself in the forehead. Stupid inner voice was always bringing him down. Duo continued to look over his reflection checking for the slightest irregularity which wasn't too easy considering how naturally irregular he appeared.

"Well, I look clean, but I don't feel clean." He pouted to himself, his reflection being an excellent copycat.

"I don't care if you bleed clean, Maxwell, get the fuck out so I can take a shower!", exclaimed a certain less than pleased Chinese roommate.

"C'mon Wuffers! I have a date-ish not really thing this afternoon!"

'Wuffers' kicked the bathroom door in irritation as he usually did when Duo was being aggravating. Technically that should be every day, but there was a level that had to be reached on the annoyance meter before he was willing to abuse an innocent lavatory door.

"Listen to my voice Maxwell. I. Don't. Give. A. Fuck. Get out." He kicked the door again for good measure.

Duo pouted at the door. Wufei didn't understand; he was dirty and it was going to take a lot longer than 15 minutes for him to be clean. 'But is a whore ever really clean', his pessimistic inner voice chipped in. He shrugged to himself and grabbed a towel off of the rack. A few moments later and the bathroom door opened unleashing a mass of steam.

He pouted at Wufei. "There, you happy?"

The Asian one of the two glared at him. "No," he replied deadpanned. "Now where is it exactly that you're going?"

"What?" Duo's voice cracked a little. "Suddenly you're concerned with where I go and what I do?"

"Of course not!", Wufei snorted. "I'm just you're best friend, right?" Duo couldn't find the words to respond to the Chinese man's sarcastic words. He settled for nodding dumbly. "Now, just where is it you're going off to that required 15 showers in," he looked down at his watch, "45 minutes?"

Duo had the sense to blush slightly. 15 was a little much, after all. "No where important Wuffers..." 'That's right, traipsing off to meet with your future kidnapper isn't important in the least!'

Wufei gave him a withering look. "Really, and just what's so not important that you've practically scraped off all of your skin?"

'Oh, you know, I'm just walking into a death trap set up by an anonymous anthrax-happy individual who decided that a coffee shop was the best place to get me high on chloroform and-' Duo shook his head violently to rid his himself of his always-caustic inner voice. "I'm just going out for coffee Wufei."

Said Chinese man continued to eye him oddly. He seemed to be considering something for a moment before nodding slowly. "Alright, well make sure you take your cell phone," he admonished like the secret mother hen he was-- secret because if his fowl status were known he'd most surely be devoured by an anxious Chinese cab driver after being left in the backseat by an African-American foreigner.

Duo spared him a nervous grin and nodded before deciding that his toes deserved further scrutiny.

"And don't spaz out so badly that you get caught up in an uncomfortable situation, capiche?"

The longer haired of the two continued to focus on his feet-- more specifically the toes. It never ceased to amaze him how much dirt could get caught between the little buggers even when he'd scrubbed like a madman. 'Or maybe everyone else's toes can be cleaned? Maybe these are hooker toes!' His eyebrows scrunched together in worry. Were these really the toes of a 'hooker' and not that of a regular man? Could his toes ever be fully clean now that he'd sold his body to make a quick buck. Or was there going to be some Knight-in-shining-armor type to come alleviate him of all his woes and rescue him from this world of cheap sex and filth?

'A knight with a rather large interest in your toes but finds them appalling because of the amount of dirt trapped between them.' Duo grabbed at his head, tugging none-too-gently at his hair. "God fuck it, why can't my life be like 'Pretty Woman'!"

Wufei blinked at him before sighing. "Because, my dear spaz, that movie sucked. Pun intended." He walked over to his always spastic friend and pulled his hands away from his head. "Go get dressed and I'll escort you to wherever it is you're going", he said as soothingly as possible.

"Dammit Wufei, I'm not a little kid! I can take care of myself!" The Asian man raised an elegantly shaped eyebrow at him. "I... I just need to clean my toes one more time cuz hooker-toes are disgusting..." Said elegant eyebrow was still raised. Come to think about it, his eyebrows were naturally that shapely and refined. No, it was no work of the cheap make-up artists that he worked with. It was all Wuffers. Even one eyebrow could render Duo speechless and effectively defeat his protest all in one delicate arch.

"Get dressed."

"Yessir."

----------

"Where exactly in this God-forsaken place did you're mystery man decide to meet you?"

"Uhh... he just said to show up, not where he'd be...", Duo replied.

"Well then, let's jet."

Duo glared back at his friend, his nearly purple eyes flashing in annoyance. "You said you'd come with me and now you wanna leave?"

Wufei snorted in response. "I did come with you--no pun intended--, just as I said, and now I want to leave." His eyes were scanning the coffee shop they were in with distaste. There were gaggles of people lounging around on the less-than-professional furniture. People from all different walks of life were snuggled up nicely next to each other. There was even a goth and a prep exchanging hair tips in one corner on an overstuffed ottoman. The sight made him twitch.

The braided man tapped his Conversed foot in agitation. "Then you can leave, I'm staying," he said firmly.

Wuffers gave him an incredulous look behind the M.I.B style shades he was wearing. "What, so the guy can chloroform you, take you back to his place, and peel of your skin to make a coat!" His hands had secured themselves to his hips as he berated his best, but very stupid, buddy. He was really beginning to wish they could leave already. He could feel the eyes of one of the overly friendly waitresses eyeing him up and down. How could such blatant ogling be allowed in such an establishment? 'Oh right, because this is fucking Starbucks', he thought bitterly.

His friend continued to glare as if he should be insulted. "You didn't have to come."

"That's all you have to say! You're about to walk right into a deathtrap and you say I didn't have to come, no pun intended!" Wufei folded his arms over his torso in supreme annoyance. Not only was Duo being very difficult but it seemed as though one of the groups decided to break out into some hippie song about kittens, trains, and cocaine(1).

It was at that moment, said ogling waitress came up and tapped Wufei's shoulder. "Um, excuse me, sir, could I-"

China man threw up his hands so suddenly that the girl squealed. As if that didn't draw enough attention to them, he screamed out "Fu-cking Starbucks!" and made a beeline for the door. The frightened waitress and Duo were left in his wake seeming to be the only people that his outburst affected.

Duo looked over at the shocked young woman and smiled at her. "Nice weather we're having, ne?"

----------

It wasn't more than 10 minutes of awkward silence and shuffling later when Duo had been seated on a cushy chair next to the window. The poor traumatized girl had even been coherent enough to bring him a glass of water. Why a glass of water at a coffee house, he wasn't sure, but it was still very sweet of her.

'Ok. Now that Wuffers has left me the only obstacle in my way is to... well... wait.' He nodded to himself and took a sip of his water. 'Waiting couldn't be so bad.' He turned his head to the window and gazed out deciding that people watching wouldn't be too bad of an idea. A gaggle of children passed by all dressed similarly seeming to be an elementary school class on a tour of the city. Behind them came a very disgruntled looking postal worker, machete and today's post tucked under one arm, AK-47 and cap tucked under the other. Trailing behind him a little ways, for good reason, was an old lady decked out all in Fubu and decorated with enough gold chains and diamonds to buy out Donald Trump.

Duo was feeling a little unnerved by the pedestrians just outside the window. Oddly enough the pimp old woman worried him more than the pissy postal worker. He continued to gaze outside his sight falling upon a band of male(or female?) transvestites. He smiled at the sight. The best transvestites were the androgynous kind he always said. His smile soon faded as a ragged, trench coated man slammed himself into the window. He held a sign before him bearing what looked eerily like 'You will die You cheap braided porn star' spelled out in blood. Said braided porn star twitched before turning his head very slowly to the front.

It was then that our dear main character screamed for before him was exactly what he'd had nightmares about: The man from the club.

Duo was screaming his lungs out, though his actions went unknown to the rest of the patrons. In fact the poor thing didn't stop screaming until a large piece of chocolate cake was shoved in his mouth.

"Ahhhhh-mmmmm..." Duo closed his eyes in pleasure. That was some damned good cake shoved in his face. In fact it was so good he felt like he could forget about all that was around him. Except for the fact that he still hated sweets.

'Or maybe I don't', he pondered as he chewed and swallowed. 'That's damn good cake.'

"Good cake, ne?", the man of his not-so-pleasant-dreams asked? Duo stared at him, a little apprehensive. "Uh... yeah..."

"Figured you'd like it." The man from the night before plopped down on a squishy looking blob in front of him. "Good afternoon," he said out of the blue, slight smirk on his face.

Duo stared blankly at him, mouth unsure of whether to gape like a fish or to... gape like a fish... So his mouth decided to gape like the

mouth of the Nile River. Or Cleopatra's...(2)

"Why the face?", the still-a-mystery man asked not looking the least bit threatening.

'Date rape! Date rape!' Duo shook his head violently, his braid whipping around and barely missing a passing waiter. Stupid inner voice. Stupid braid.

While the braided individual was busy berating himself, his companion had flagged down the very nearly injured waiter and was calmly placing an order.

Stupid hooker toes! Stupid, stupid, stup- "Oi, what do you want?" Duo's eyes finally decided to refocus as he realized he was being talked to. And stared at, but mostly being talked to.

"Uh... what?"

The man across from him smirked that annoyingly attractive little smirk saying to the waiter, "Chocolate frappacino with extra whipped cream." With that the waiter took off to fulfill his coffee shop duties.

"Hey, uh, what?" was Duo's intelligent analysis of the situation.

"I ordered coffee, that's what. And you're spacing out again."

"Oh," he replied, not quite sure if it were true. "Well, I guess I should space...in?"

El man of no name continued to smirk at him as though the look was forever stuck on his face. "Bad day?"

Duo seemed to snap to attention. "You couldn't guess!", the porn star huffed.

"Explain," was all he had to say to get Duo going. To say the boy could talk was an understatement. Even he was surprised at how much he had to spill. It'd been barely 12 hours since the two had last seen each other and suddenly it was like they'd been apart for months. The Asian in front of him was a dry well and our porn star main character was the water. Even his snide inner voice was silenced by the shift in it's owner's personality.

"...and I honestly thought you were a crazy stalker or something!- I mean, you act like it enough, always showing up out of the blue and

managing to strike me speechless every time. That's just not normal- are you slipping drugs into my beverages or something? Or-what? Why're you-"

Amongst Duo's endless blatherings his companion had found something particularly amusing causing him to laugh rather loudly. That left the braided man quite confused on the one hand because he couldn't decipher the source and on the other because he was finding the young man's laugh crazy attractive.

'That's right, porny, fall right into his evil web of destruction! He's a black widow I tell yah!' Duo rolled his eyes and countered with 'Black widows are females; he's a boy.' He smirked to himself when his inner voice failed to reply. His smirk lifted into a smile as he continued to watch his friend in his fit of mirth.

'Whatever I did to make him laugh, I'm glad I did it.' He sipped on his frappacino and just plain out basked in the perfection of the moment. Heck, even the chocolate was good!

----------

From across the Starbucks a pair of eyes trained themselves on Duo, the pupils of said eyes a little too dilated to not belong to a nut-job. A mouth a few inches below said eyes lifted into a grin just east of sinister. He was one step closer... So much closer to the prize now...

"What do you mean you're name's Hero! What crack were your parents smoking?" The object of his desire had leapt to his feet in astonishment and amusement. His smile widened at the sight.

Ah, but what was that? There was a man standing before his dear Duo and he was- no!- he hit him! He oh so violently tapped his head and demanded that he 'hush'! The great god Duo? Hush? Never! And at that moment his resolve firmed, much firmer than Tyra Banks thighs, and he made a vow to eliminate the evil that is 'Hero'.

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1. there's a song called 'Kill a Kitten' by Steven Lynch. the song's theme is terrible but he sings it so brilliantly.

2. an allusion to Cleopatra in Shakespeare's **Antony and Cleopatra.** Cleo's such a straight up hooker through out the whole thing, so if u don't understand the joke by now, then e-mail me and i'll explain in further detail.

_humming to self_ oh, so right… stupid, right? thas whati thought.i swear this ch. was going to go differently, but my mind doesn't want to cooperate and the whole damn thing went off in some other direction. we kinda ended up in the same place. kinda. anyways…

thanx to: tre-chan(of coursei thanked u! and nowi shall do so again! thanx!), demonsbaby69777(honest to goodness there wasn't a point till end of last ch. and even then it was thin. hell it's still thin. soi guess it is pointless.), El Terrible Fizzy(wow, if i'm you're hero shouldi put on a cape? thanx for calling this 'not typical' ),and Burned Vamp(glad you like it _goes off to write more_)


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